36 Things About the Recent Miss Universe Pageant
1. Show commences with the customary parade of "national costumes." In the case of some ladies, however, "national costume" means "what coked-up drag queens would wear in a Rio carnival."
2. The women are shimmying to Nelly Furtado's Say It Right. God I love that song.
3. Ms. Dominican Republic has two silver-coated Styrofoam dolphins dangling above her head and Ms. USA is jump-suited as Elvis.
4. Ms. Philippines' costume is one bright yawn. Memo to Ms. Araneta: Next year, dress our girl in something really atrocious. Like that hula-hoop, Victoria's secret gown worn by Ravit Yarkoni (Ms. Israel) the last time Ms. Universe was held in Philippines. Or any of these fine creations.
5. Backstage, the women change into little black dresses faster than you can say "Donald Trump wants you in his room NOW."
6. Production number. I'm getting a "hookers in an Amsterdam brothel" vibe from the stage set:
7. Our cute and cuter hosts, Vanessa Minillo and Mario Lopez, come out. How refreshing is it to watch pageant hosts who aren't holding glittered cue cards, fumbling their lines like Speech Power flunkers, engaging in awkward repartee, and thanking "the major sponsors, Sunsilk, Close-up, The Manila Bulletin, The Hotel Inter-Continental Manila..." before every commercial break.
8. Vanessa wikipedias that there are about a billion people all over the world watching the show. Of the billion, only a several hundred thousand are heterosexual.
9. The reigning Ms. Universe, Zuleyka Rivera, whom I remember from last year as a gaunt stick wrapped in sparkling chain-mail, makes a queenly entrance to the stage. She has gained a lot weight but looks so much more beautiful now.
Left: Zuleyka 2006; Right: Zuleyka 2007
10. The top 15 are announced; they are: Venezuela, Thailand, Denmark, Nicaragua, Angola, Slovenia, USA, Brazil, India, Mexico, Japan, Ukraine, Tanzania, Korea, and Czech Republic. Ms. Turcs and Cacos Islands will have to wait another year.
11. 13 of the 15 are brunettes and that includes the nude-headed black beauty, Ms. Tanzania. Donald Trump must be on some Blondes Abstention Program.
12. Somehow, Ms. Japan, Riyo Mori, reminds me of Rinko Kikuchi in "Babel." I like her, as well as Ms. Angola, Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!), India, Tanzania, Korea, and Angola.
13. The judges include James Kyson Lee ("Heroes"), Dayanara Torres, Michelle Kwan, Nina Garcia, Christian Martel, Tomy Romo, and Dave Navarro. The Donald wanted Rosie O'Donell on the panel but, according to her reps, she'd rather "eat pig stool."
14. Mario Lopez is such a hottie. I recall his guest appearance in "Nip/Tuck" where he had an homo-erotic, soft-porn shower scene with Julian McMahon's character. Watch the video here. (It's NSFW, by the way). Here's a taste of that wet scene:
15. Swimsuit competition. It's a parade of flesh, bikinis and petroleum jellied smiles. Ms. Venezuela looks banging. If I swung the other way, I'd be fondling myself right now.
16. If their 10-inch waists are any indication, Ms. Slovenia, USA and Korea had their internal organs removed prior to the competition.
17. Ms. Angola's boobs look like two tectonic plates on the verge of a major collision. I quickly run towards a door frame.
18. The top 10 are: Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!!), India, Japan (Yehey!), Angola, USA, Tanzania (Yehey!), Korea, Nicaragua (Boo!), Venezuela, and Mexico.
19. Evening gown competition. Ms. Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!) appears to have been dipped in white diamonds. Ms. Japan, just like the Ms. Japans of previous years, is wearing an unconventional long gown, which I like.
20. During her evening gown stroll, Ms. USA, Rachael Smith, spontaneously decides to test the hardness of the marble floor with her buttocks. YouTube moment is born. She gracefully gets up but judge Michelle Kwan is already deducting 3 points off her starting value. Watch:
21. The special awards are announced. For the Nth time to Nth power times N, Ms. Philippines, Anna Theresa Licaros, wins the Ms. Photogenic award. Ever since this award was left at the mercy of internet voters a few years ago, our candidates have, I believe, lost only once, and that was when India (and its one billion call center agents) won. When will the organizers of this event get a clue? If they continue with this system of picking Ms. Photogenic, they might as well change the title "Ms. Photogenic" to "Whoever Philippines Sent."
22. Ms. China wins Miss Congeniality. If only Hong Kong shop keepers were like her, the world would be a happier place.
23. A client called. I tell her I'm " in a meeting."
24. The top 5 are: Venezuela, Korea, Brazil, USA (what?), and Japan.
25. The Mexican crowd is booing because their señorita didn't make the cut. That or someone announced to the audience that President Bush had just signed a bill to fence the US-Mexican border. Either way, the Mexicans are not happy.
26. Q&A time. There are three Cardinal Rules in Pageant Q&A, which all beauty contestants should master. Rule No. 1: Pander to the audience. Tell them you love them in their native language. Just be careful with the accent or else, you might end up calling their mothers something derogatory.
27. Rule No. 2: Don’t actually answer the question. Just mention “child”, “Africa”, “future”, "next generation", or MGG's patented “World Peace” and you’ll be alright.
28. Rule No. 3: Never go beyond 20 words, unless you’re Ms. India, in which case, you should educate the audience on subverting the patriarchal and hegemonic regime using the dialectics of Mikhail Bahktin.
29. Dave Navarro gets to ask Ms. Venezuela her final question: "Would you rather have a relationship with a man who's wild and spontaneous or plays it safe?" Translation: "Can I lick your titties later baby?"
30. James Kyson (I love that name, "Kyson") Lee asks Ms. Korea what super power she'd like to have and why. The question is practically begging Ms. Korea to shout: "Save the beauty queen, save the world!" but she doesn't take the bait.
31. Ms. USA's turn. The crowd stones her with "Boos!!!" Call it The Last Remaining Superpower Envy but I booed as well. She's asked: if she could relive a moment in her life, what would that moment be? If I were her, I would have said, "My evening gown walk." But Ms. USA decides to take the safe route and parrots something about Oprah.
32. Nina Garcia asks Ms. Japan, Riyo Mori, what lesson she learned as a child most affects her life today. Ms. Japan panders to the audience by saying "Ola, Mexico!" (Rule No. 1). She doesn't actually answer the question (Rule No. 2). She doesn't go beyond 20 words (Rule No. 3).
33. USA is 4th runner-up. Korea is 3rd. Venezuela is 2nd. It's down to Brazil and Japan.
34. I heard none of the standard "If the winner doesn't fulfill her duties, the first runner-up will take her place" spiel. That's a bit strange.
35. Ms. Japan wins!! Yehey! They got it right this year. She looks genuinely surprised.
36. I switch the channel to the local station (ABS-CBN) and see the names of the top 5 just being announced in the "live telecast."
2. The women are shimmying to Nelly Furtado's Say It Right. God I love that song.
3. Ms. Dominican Republic has two silver-coated Styrofoam dolphins dangling above her head and Ms. USA is jump-suited as Elvis.
4. Ms. Philippines' costume is one bright yawn. Memo to Ms. Araneta: Next year, dress our girl in something really atrocious. Like that hula-hoop, Victoria's secret gown worn by Ravit Yarkoni (Ms. Israel) the last time Ms. Universe was held in Philippines. Or any of these fine creations.
5. Backstage, the women change into little black dresses faster than you can say "Donald Trump wants you in his room NOW."
6. Production number. I'm getting a "hookers in an Amsterdam brothel" vibe from the stage set:
7. Our cute and cuter hosts, Vanessa Minillo and Mario Lopez, come out. How refreshing is it to watch pageant hosts who aren't holding glittered cue cards, fumbling their lines like Speech Power flunkers, engaging in awkward repartee, and thanking "the major sponsors, Sunsilk, Close-up, The Manila Bulletin, The Hotel Inter-Continental Manila..." before every commercial break.
8. Vanessa wikipedias that there are about a billion people all over the world watching the show. Of the billion, only a several hundred thousand are heterosexual.
9. The reigning Ms. Universe, Zuleyka Rivera, whom I remember from last year as a gaunt stick wrapped in sparkling chain-mail, makes a queenly entrance to the stage. She has gained a lot weight but looks so much more beautiful now.
Left: Zuleyka 2006; Right: Zuleyka 2007
10. The top 15 are announced; they are: Venezuela, Thailand, Denmark, Nicaragua, Angola, Slovenia, USA, Brazil, India, Mexico, Japan, Ukraine, Tanzania, Korea, and Czech Republic. Ms. Turcs and Cacos Islands will have to wait another year.
11. 13 of the 15 are brunettes and that includes the nude-headed black beauty, Ms. Tanzania. Donald Trump must be on some Blondes Abstention Program.
12. Somehow, Ms. Japan, Riyo Mori, reminds me of Rinko Kikuchi in "Babel." I like her, as well as Ms. Angola, Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!), India, Tanzania, Korea, and Angola.
13. The judges include James Kyson Lee ("Heroes"), Dayanara Torres, Michelle Kwan, Nina Garcia, Christian Martel, Tomy Romo, and Dave Navarro. The Donald wanted Rosie O'Donell on the panel but, according to her reps, she'd rather "eat pig stool."
14. Mario Lopez is such a hottie. I recall his guest appearance in "Nip/Tuck" where he had an homo-erotic, soft-porn shower scene with Julian McMahon's character. Watch the video here. (It's NSFW, by the way). Here's a taste of that wet scene:
15. Swimsuit competition. It's a parade of flesh, bikinis and petroleum jellied smiles. Ms. Venezuela looks banging. If I swung the other way, I'd be fondling myself right now.
16. If their 10-inch waists are any indication, Ms. Slovenia, USA and Korea had their internal organs removed prior to the competition.
17. Ms. Angola's boobs look like two tectonic plates on the verge of a major collision. I quickly run towards a door frame.
18. The top 10 are: Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!!), India, Japan (Yehey!), Angola, USA, Tanzania (Yehey!), Korea, Nicaragua (Boo!), Venezuela, and Mexico.
19. Evening gown competition. Ms. Brazil (Leandro Okabe!!) appears to have been dipped in white diamonds. Ms. Japan, just like the Ms. Japans of previous years, is wearing an unconventional long gown, which I like.
20. During her evening gown stroll, Ms. USA, Rachael Smith, spontaneously decides to test the hardness of the marble floor with her buttocks. YouTube moment is born. She gracefully gets up but judge Michelle Kwan is already deducting 3 points off her starting value. Watch:
21. The special awards are announced. For the Nth time to Nth power times N, Ms. Philippines, Anna Theresa Licaros, wins the Ms. Photogenic award. Ever since this award was left at the mercy of internet voters a few years ago, our candidates have, I believe, lost only once, and that was when India (and its one billion call center agents) won. When will the organizers of this event get a clue? If they continue with this system of picking Ms. Photogenic, they might as well change the title "Ms. Photogenic" to "Whoever Philippines Sent."
22. Ms. China wins Miss Congeniality. If only Hong Kong shop keepers were like her, the world would be a happier place.
23. A client called. I tell her I'm " in a meeting."
24. The top 5 are: Venezuela, Korea, Brazil, USA (what?), and Japan.
25. The Mexican crowd is booing because their señorita didn't make the cut. That or someone announced to the audience that President Bush had just signed a bill to fence the US-Mexican border. Either way, the Mexicans are not happy.
26. Q&A time. There are three Cardinal Rules in Pageant Q&A, which all beauty contestants should master. Rule No. 1: Pander to the audience. Tell them you love them in their native language. Just be careful with the accent or else, you might end up calling their mothers something derogatory.
27. Rule No. 2: Don’t actually answer the question. Just mention “child”, “Africa”, “future”, "next generation", or MGG's patented “World Peace” and you’ll be alright.
28. Rule No. 3: Never go beyond 20 words, unless you’re Ms. India, in which case, you should educate the audience on subverting the patriarchal and hegemonic regime using the dialectics of Mikhail Bahktin.
29. Dave Navarro gets to ask Ms. Venezuela her final question: "Would you rather have a relationship with a man who's wild and spontaneous or plays it safe?" Translation: "Can I lick your titties later baby?"
30. James Kyson (I love that name, "Kyson") Lee asks Ms. Korea what super power she'd like to have and why. The question is practically begging Ms. Korea to shout: "Save the beauty queen, save the world!" but she doesn't take the bait.
31. Ms. USA's turn. The crowd stones her with "Boos!!!" Call it The Last Remaining Superpower Envy but I booed as well. She's asked: if she could relive a moment in her life, what would that moment be? If I were her, I would have said, "My evening gown walk." But Ms. USA decides to take the safe route and parrots something about Oprah.
32. Nina Garcia asks Ms. Japan, Riyo Mori, what lesson she learned as a child most affects her life today. Ms. Japan panders to the audience by saying "Ola, Mexico!" (Rule No. 1). She doesn't actually answer the question (Rule No. 2). She doesn't go beyond 20 words (Rule No. 3).
33. USA is 4th runner-up. Korea is 3rd. Venezuela is 2nd. It's down to Brazil and Japan.
34. I heard none of the standard "If the winner doesn't fulfill her duties, the first runner-up will take her place" spiel. That's a bit strange.
35. Ms. Japan wins!! Yehey! They got it right this year. She looks genuinely surprised.
36. I switch the channel to the local station (ABS-CBN) and see the names of the top 5 just being announced in the "live telecast."
10 comments:
another reason to love the 'say it right' song!! and actly walk like your in high heels while listening to this tune on the mrt :p
Your comments are very entertaining.
hhmph! bakit palaging may link kay Leandro Okabe? hehehe Miss U is sooo political I kinda felt sorry for Miss USA.. Thanks for the shower scene link- best part of my day ; ) Miss Philippines lacked spice.. she's no lightweight but she just doesn't grab at you.. na overshadow tuloy ng ibang asians ; ) i was prepared to sacrifice gym that day to work on my boobs, este pecs pala but since our candidate didn't make it to top 15 i was outta there!
i so agree with zuleyka rivera's weight gain. she looks better anyway. i have a full on commentary on ms. u in my blog as well :)
Entertaining with a capital E!:-)
Anybody knows the story behind why Venezuela stepped up when Korea was called as the 3rd Runner Up?
What was she thinking? I so would like to know.
@ Pisanu: I caught that too. Maybe Ms. Venezuela heard "Venezuela" instead of Korea.
If they continue with this system of picking Ms. Photogenic, they might as well change the title "Ms. Photogenic" to "Whoever Philippines Sent."
--this left me in stitches! HAHA!
What's the 4th Cardinal Rule?
@ anonymous: oops, my mistake. There are only 3. There.. editing it.
Rules 1-3 is funny..When Ms. Phils didnt make it to the top 15. I turned off the T.V. I knew she won't make it. There are more gorgeous asians.I heard she is smart. I guess with rules 1-3, we dont need a smart lady to represent the country.
Post a Comment