17 June 2008

I. Can't. Talk.

As soon as the elevator door closed, I coughed out a big one. Judging from the way it sounded and felt as it shot up through my respiratory tract and settled on my tongue, I could tell that it was at least two tablespoons of pure, viscous, toad-green phlegm, the kind that sticks on the sink and requires a spatula to scrape off.

Unfortunately, there was no waste can, no potted plant inside the elevator unto which I could expectorate. So I decided to just keep it all in until I reach my destination, the seventeenth floor.

The mucous was rolling along my palate when the elevator stopped at the third floor. The door opened and in walked an elegant, mid-fifties woman, someone I could envision cutting ceremonial ribbons at an important event. She pressed a button, settled in one corner, and after checking her bouffant on the mirror, turned to me.

“My goodness, it’s so hot outside, no?”

My speech encumbered by the contents of my mouth, I simply nodded in agreement, hoping that that would be the last of our conversation. But the woman kept yakking.

“This heat is so terrible. Yesterday, I kept the aircon on the whole day --- the whole day! Imagine that. So terrible. I’ve never experienced anything like this.”

I gave her a tight-lipped smile that said, “yeah, I know,” and turned my gaze to the numbers on the panel. Sixth. Seventh. Eighth. Still long ways to go before seventeenth. Already, I could feel the phlegm hardening into some fetus-shaped object inside my mouth. C’mon, elevator. Move faster.

“Do you also live here, iho?” she asked. I gave her another nod then looked at the numbers again. Ninth. Tenth. Twelfth.

“I don’t believe we’ve met before. I’m Cecilia. And you are?”

I turned to her and briefly considered swallowing the blob to answer her pesky questions. I also considered spitting out
everything on the floor and saying, “none of your business, muthafucka.”

For obvious reasons, I did neither. Instead, I pointed at my chest to say “I”, waved my hand to say “Can’t”, closed-opened, closed-opened my hand to say “Talk.” Then I blew my cheeks like a blowfish and pointed at my lips in an effort to convey, “Because I have something in my mouth.”

Her expression quickly turned into embarrassment and pity. “Oh, I’m sorry iho,” she said. “I didn’t know that you’re mute.” Then, speaking at a much slower pace and louder volume, she said, “HOW. LONG. HAVE. YOU. BEEN. LIKE. THAT. IHO?”

Mute? Mute? Ha! I wanted to tell her. But I found myself holding my left hand up, fingers separated, to say “Five years.”

“AND. HOW. ARE. YOU. COPING? YOU. SEEM. TO. HAVE. ADJUSTED. WELL.”

With my pointer finger, I traced an imaginary tear rolling down my cheek, to say, “Very sad. I’m very, very sad. I cry myself to sleep each night.” Then I rapidly moved my hands all over the place, like a diva trying to reach a glory note, to convey some complicated message of tragedy, perseverance, hope, and ultimately, triumph.

Oh how I wished the close-circuit camera captured my Oscar-worthy performance! Marlee Matlin, move over, bitch.

Just as I was beginning to enjoy our little chit-chat, the elevator stopped and the door opened. Seventeenth floor. Bye Cecilia, I gestured before stepping out and hurrying to the nearest trash can or potted plant.

29 comments:

loudcloud said...

hahahahhahahahhahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

best post!

i'm still gasping for air, dagummit!

joelmcvie said...

Ang dapat sa plema, Robitussin!

Oh and by the way, mute is not deaf po, ma'am.

markymd said...

That's just your phlegm Misterhubs. It is produced by your body. Its part of body physiology. Im sure you have swallowed other body secretions before, right? I cannot believe I am asking you this.

James said...

Is it just me or do oysters remind you of phlegm as well?

Mikkoi said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

my laugh says it all.

Baklang AJ said...

wala kang panyo or tissue? lol. outstanding performance!

the good news is that you will no longer be forced to talk to Cecilia in the elevator!

odin hood said...

hahahahaha as i was reading this i was keeping my mouth closed as if im also holding in phlegm!

what if you bump into her again? izsga

Anino said...

Misterhubs, may gusto akong sabihin sa iyong sikreto tungkol sa elebeytor. Malaking tulong ito lalo na sa mga nagmamadali.

Kaya lang ay marami kang tagasubaybay,malalaman nila at hindi na ito magiging sikreto pa.

kiyoshii said...

lol, natawa naman ako sa sitwasyon...
sana kinotong mo nalang yung girl.,, hehehe anyways nice post

Misterhubs said...

Glad to tickle your funny bone, LC. Now let me tickle something else...

@ Mcvie: I'm more of a Loviscol guy.

@ Markymd: I'm a spitter, not a swallower.

@ James: Yeah. But that won't stop me from eating them.

@ mikkoi: :-)

@ baklang aj: Wala eh.

@ odin hood: I sure hope not!

@ anino: Ganon. Sayang. Sige na, ishare mo na.

@ kiyoshi: Thanks.

leviuqse said...

oh my god sooo funny but kadire ^^

Coldman said...

this made my day!


nice! nice!

Davis said...

Iho, I think you need a doctor for having that toad-green phlegm.

kalansaycollector said...

i love it hijo. haha. well we have to use our acting abilities sometimes. haha.

may mga acting moments din ako. haha.

heto eksena:

ako ay nakikipagtelebabad sa fone tas boom! dumating ang boss. so ang ginawa ko tumahimik ako kungyari at tinext ko kausap ko na andun na nga si boss. at binaba ko with matching line... "walang sumasagot" hehe.

cant_u_read said...

have your paths crossed again since?

fuchsia girl said...

LOL! buti na lang nalunok ko na yung iniinom kong kape kundi mahihirapan ako maglinis ng keyboard.

Jhamy whoops! said...

very very funny... nice one!! :)

Anonymous said...

nice one misterhubs! lol! this is the first time that i got the chance to read your blog... soooo funny.. im not yet through with the others, thanks for the laugh!more power!

Misterhubs said...

Thanks for the comments people!

@ Rye: Nope. But it's bound to happen sooner or later.

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f i l l i b u s t e r o said...

mabuti naman at hindi ka nahahatsing that time.

Ronnan27 said...

It's the phlegm that binds us!

hahahaha panalu!

jcraven said...

loved this. funny!

curbside_puppet said...

i've been on a similar situation before hubs...

Anonymous said...

Crazy. You should've just swallowed the sour candy para happier and journal entry mo. =D

Genkuro said...

Putang-Ina! Hahahahaha! Pardon my French.

This made my day! I was in the same situation once so I can relate to your dilemma during that elevator ride.

You should get a copy of that performance from the building security. That reference to Marlee Matlin was a killer! I want to see if you beat out her role in Children of a Lesser God!

Thank you! Great post!

Anonymous said...

tang-ina! ur simply amazing sir! :)

mario said...

this got me! keep it up! :-)

Anonymous said...

my god, i thought i'm gonna puke to this story,, so disgusting yet another job well done,, i like with pictures though,,,

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