07 April 2009

Dhanurasana and a Badly Packed Kebab

“And now, let’s do Dhanurasana… the bow pose,” Ray, our yogini, intoned after we’ve barely survived a series of unpronounceable asanas which had us twisting our sweat-drenched bodies around like roots of an old mangrove tree. Two or three people, most probably the beginners at the back row, emitted groans of protest across the room which, by now, was at a temperature that can cause desert cacti to die.

Unfazed by the waning signs of life before him, Ray proceeded to demonstrate how easy-peasy Dhanurasana was by effortlessly metamorphosing into a human letter “U” in five seconds flat. “This pose will improve the flexibility of your spine,” our invertebrate instructor said without a flicker of irony.

Following Ralph’s unachievable example, we, dehydrated masochists, laid down flat on our bellies, bended our knees, reached behind to grasp our ankles, and, with varying degrees of failure, simultaneously raised our legs, chest, and head, eyes wide open to see what’s in front of us…



And with that one upward motion, I unintentionally became Ms. V's personal O.B. gynecologist.

Ms. V is a brash, talkative, forty-something woman who, like me, regularly attends Ray's yoga class every Saturday. But unlike me, Ms. V didn’t think it was necessary to wear undies that morning when she positioned herself right smack in front of me. This omission, coupled with her baggy shorts, our arms-length proximity, and my normal vision, gave me a panoramic view of her erogenous zones as we both attempted the bow pose.

And by "erogenous zones", I don't mean her feet. (God, how I wish it was just her feet!) I’m referring to what is known in some straight circles as the Pink Harmonica, Beef Curtains, Kate Bush, Map of Tasmania, Sausage Wallet, and Badly Packed Kebab.

On several occasions, I have prayed to God to bless me with a photographic memory with which to remember evanescent moments such as a sunset in Boracay or a crush’s smile. This was not one of those moments. Nevertheless, I managed to capture the graphic details of that peek-a-boo moment and preserve them in my brain where they would remain for nightmares to come until I finally get the courage to undergo a lobotomy.

As part of my post-traumatic stress therapy to silence the bleating lambs at night, I’m now going to describe what I have seen. There, at Ground Zero, were small, pinkish folds and protrusions of skin, a delicate origami of flesh around what appeared to be a moist wound. Ingrown and outgrown hair peppered the surrounding areas, which also bore Zebra-like stretch marks. And…. was that a black mole just below her floong-flang? I’m not certain. It could either be a mole or a dead fruit fly but for her sake, I hope it’s the former.

If those puckered lips could talk, we'd have this brief, vaginal dialogue:

V: Hey. ‘Sup?
Me: Aaaackkk!!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no personal vendetta against vaginas. Their role in the reproductive and evolutionary process is unassailable and without them, we’d just be our daddy’s dried-up sperm cell with nowhere to go but the sewage system. I have nothing but the deepest, sincerest, most profound respect for vaginas all over the world, even though they may be attached to such floozies as Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson. Vagina, we salute and honor you.

What I strongly take issue against is women coming to yoga sessions wearing epidermal lingerie and exposing their sweaty, unshaven genitalia to unsuspecting classmates who are simply trying their best to achieve that damn Dhanurasana pose in sauna-like conditions. I say, enough of such lewd conduct! Enough! The Vulva Vulgaris doesn't have to be vulgar! It’s high time that we put an end to this labial exhibitionism and bring basic human decency and underwear back to yoga studios! This is our moment, people! This is Spartaaaaaaaaa!

Now, if Ms. V was a young male model, preferably of Japanese-Brazilian origins, then I might just reconsider my position take everything I’ve said back!

32 comments:

loudcloud said...

double standards!

Conventional Wisdom said...

This made me laugh at 4:00 am! Bwahahaha. Map of Tasmania? Origami of Flesh? Zebra-like stretch marks? Dead fruit fly?

Only you MH. Only you. Lol.

Eben said...

hahaha! I had a similar experience during our Bikram yoga class! hindi ako makapag-concentrate.

And Dhanurasana is my least favorite asana...ang hirap!

jamie da vinci! said...

put**g in*!!!! visions sear my brain!!! horrible visions!!!!

i'm a narnian said...

ay nako. in college we were made to watch a video of a woman giving birth. (some friends have seen the same video while they were still in high school)

mas kadiri pag may lumalabas na baby. promise.

E said...

LOLZ! solid!

Anonymous said...

lol i agree with I'm a narnian. I watched that film in high school. It made me reconfirm my homosexuality. :)) Those things are acidic for goodness sake! :P

- Q

Empoy said...

"I have nothing but the deepest, most profound respect for vaginas all over the world."

AMEN!

Anonymous said...

hahaha...damn funny as always...thanks mr. heuge. again, you made my day

MisterHeuge said...

@loudcloud : But of course!

@CW: I'm happy you enjoyed the imagery. Hehe.

@Eben: Nakakasira ng concentration no.

@Jamie da vinci: Be glad I didn't post pics of the Badly Packed Kebab. Hehe.

@I'm a narnian: Back in HS, we were forced to watch an abortion video. T-R-A-U-M-A-T-I-C.

@E: Thanks!

@Q: Yeah. I just don't get the appeal.

@Empoy: And amen.

@Anonymous: Thanks! =)

Edik said...

just a word- ew!

Anonymous said...

hahaha...super hahaha

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! This is too funny! Wag naman dead fruit fly...mole na lang...or baka naman tuyong pigsa...yikes! :)

tomas_md said...

hahahaha...a very funny post...grabe ka naman kung maka.describe sa vajayjay ng yoga classmate mo hehehe...that picture will haunt you this holy week hehehe...

Anonymous said...

Misterheuge, this is a a classic! Ever thought it was your karma for doing something not nice? :-) hahaha kidding :-)

r-yo said...

bwahaha! you must be the wittiest, funniest lawyer in town. kawawa ang mga makakalaban mo (baka magmukha silang badly packed kebab.)

Anonymous said...

as a man who was raised gay (molested as a child for years) i used to totally agree with everything said here. i viewed the vagina as a perversion of what was erotic.
but all that recently changed when i experienced the vagina for the first time. the delicate folds, the exotic aromas. a very tactile organ, it reacts to the slighest touch, like petals on a delicate flower when one blows over them.
i totally enjoyed worshipping the vagina, and plowing one too. would i try it again? yes, i believe i would if the opportunity presented itself.
i guess this makes me bisexual, no?

more power to you misterheuge!!!!!

Jake said...

HAHAHA!

P_king ng ama! Ang lupit!

In your next yoga class, tell her I'm an authorized dealer of Sarah Lee lingerie and So-En...bebentahan ko aya...HAHAHA

Emotionally Sloppy said...

HAHAHAAH ohh this is good. This made me remember my classmate during high school we were sitting in squat position and lo and behold right in front of me was her vajayjay.... her undies had a tear right smack in the middle of her flower.

She died young by the way. God bless her soul. =( erm I guess I shouldnt have said that story.

Anonymous said...

I remember a similar incident in my yoga class. But this time it was a burly aussie with his balls making a peek-a-boo everytime he did the downward dog. I had the pleasure or pain (depends on how you look at it) of being positioned just behind him. Anyone here who does yoga surely knows how many times we have to do downward dog in one session.

Jayson said...

Japanese-Brazilian as in Ahihiro Sato?

MisterHeuge said...

@Edik: Ew talaga.

@Tomas md: Palibhasa sanay ka na makakita ng vajayjay up close. Hehe.

@Anonymous: The penalty isn't proportionate to the crime. Hehe.

@R-yo: Hehe. Thanks. Di naman masyado.

@Anonymous: Whatever floats your boat, pare. Hehe.

@Jake: Sige. May commission ako ha.

@Emotionally Sloppy: May she rest in peace.

@Anonymous: If he's Hugh Jackman's twin, then you're one lucky person.

@Jayson: See the next post.

Anonymous said...

kami rin nung hs, we watched a video,(or documentary, something like that) of a mother giving birth tska yung abortion, I think the title of the documentary of the one with the abortion was "The Silent Scream".
I thought nung Gr.6 at 2nd yr Bio class ko lang xa mppanuod, naulit pa nung 3rd year CLE class at 4th year. Your right MisterHeuge, it was T-R-A-U-M-A-T-I-C.

-paki.

niki said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Classic as always, MisterHeuge! (I see you changed the spelling of your name?) Luvs it!

Pinoysrock said...

Bwahahaha!
NIce one,Misterhubs.
BY the way,I stole your Bebe's pics.I hope you don't mind. I blogged about her.

Have a great day.

Anonymous said...

hahaha this got me rolling on the bed laughing after a full lunch of assorted kebabs! Misterhubs, im a hhhuge fan, I've been reading your blogs for a year now, and this is my first time to comment.

-dominique

Anonymous said...

V: Hey. ‘Sup?
Me: Aaaackkk!!!!

are ur eyes still okay M?

MisterHeuge said...

@paki Yes, we watched that too. Maybe we came from the same HS?

@niki Thanks!

@pinoysrock Sure, no problem.

@dominique Thanks! Keep commenting!

@anonymous Eyes, yes. Psyche, no. Hehe.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha you are so funny talaga!

Anonymous said...

found another term for the badly packed kebab... it's called a Beef Curtain

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Beef+Curtain&defid=1156516

Jeffrey Wilford said...

KATE BUSH!!! ROFLMFAO!!!

Jeffrey Wilford said...

KATE BUSH!!! ROFLMFAO!!!

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