17 October 2016

Infinity Run (Part Four)

With barely any sleep or self-belief, I came to the Infinity Run in a death row mood, my brows knotted in an advanced Boy Scout loop. But miraculously my pre-race demeanor changed after seeing some superstuds in the assembly area, some of whom I’ve codenamed Wagyu Beef, Invitation to Fellatio, and God Isn’t Fair. Then there's my brief anal encounter with one scrumptious skinhead (Mr. Head, I called him) which had a battery-charging effect on my spirits. No, we didn’t do the doggie. But I did occupy the chair Mr. Head had vacated just in time to feel the residual warmth of his buttocks.

During this body heat transference, I could feel my energy level slowly rising to that of a Laker’s cheerleader on a cocktail of amphetamines. “Gosh! I can’t believe I’m finally doing this race!! I’m so excited!!!” Right on cue, a female voice with a tendency to over-enunciate blared through the loudspeakers: “The fifteen kilometer run will begin in one minute. All fifteen K runners, please proceed to the starting line.”

Hubs and I made our way to the front of the starting block to take pixels of these intrepid endurance masochists, these fifteen K runners. There we saw socialite Tessa Prieto-Valdes, who, to my disappointment, wasn’t clad in her usual Marie-Antoinette-Goes-To-Mardi-Gras production number. Beside her was Senator Pia Cayetano, whose annoying but hypnotic campaign jingle from several elections ago had established a permanent residence in my auditory cortex. “Kay kum-pa-kum-pa-kum-pa-nyera tayo! Kay Pia-Pia-Pia-Pia Cayetano!” Repeat at least fifteen times to induce nausea; thirty for dementia praecox.

Unfortunately, my camera’s view of these two public figures was blocked at the last second by an inconsiderate passer-by. Fortunately, said passer-by has deltoids I could sink my teeth into.


An enthusiastic countdown was soon under way. Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Bang! From the sidewalk, we cheered the trotting masses as they accelerated forward. I saw one guy amidst the pack wearing a black Speedo bodysuit. That’s odd. Didn’t anyone tell him that this isn’t a swimming competition?

Thirty minutes and some warm-up exercises later, it was the five K runners’ turn to rush towards infinity. Finally!!! I was so pumped up, ready to go, ready to cream the competition, and possibly make international headlines. (“Novice Runner With Flat Feet Beats World Record By Ten Minutes!”) I would be the new darling of athletics and Hubby would be so proud of me.

Then five seconds before the starting gun was fired, a memory surfaced. 1995. High school intramurals. Against my wishes and for no reason other than I had swimming lessons that summer, our class adviser handpicked me to represent our class for the four hundred meter freestyle. It was… how shall I put it…. a fucking disaster. Not only did I end up last. While my opponents were already toweling themselves dry, I was still in the pool, on my second lap (with two more laps to go!), clinging on the buoys for dear life. Adding insult to an already ignominious situation, the wise-cracking emcee kept urging me to hurry up to make way for the next heat. I wanted to die. When I finally emerged from the pool, drenched in chlorinated water and humiliation, I vowed never to join any race again. Not even a sack race at a children's party.

Until now.

I inhaled deeply, giving my lungs a full tank of oxygen. Then a gun was fired. My race has officially begun.

Redemption time.

(To Be Concluded.)

18 comments:

Florian said...

You are sooooo funny Misterhubs...what a way to start my day. Keep on writing great stuff!!

Have a great week :)

Looking For The Source said...

well.. running is far easier than swimming.. ha ha...

is there a part five? cant wait.

E said...

Misterhubs!!! Bitin!!! hahahahahahaha!!wala na, magkamuka na kami ni lock jaw girl :-O

Anonymous said...

Hahahahhahahaha great entry today hahahahah i love the last part hahahaah Thank you Mr. Hubs for the laugh...

Anonymous said...

bwahahaha! hubby is so lucky to have you as a partner, you really have a great sense of humor! funny!!! More power Misterhubs!

Yas Ligtas said...

magbinisaya ko kay nalingaw ko ug tinuod: nalingaw ko. :)

ArchieMD said...

bitin...

Anonymous said...

you're a funny guy misterhubs!

Misterhubs said...

Yes, there will be a part 5. :-)

im.ur.supasstah said...

Thank you misterhubs! Just what I needed today. laughter caused by your witty blog entry. Keept it coming! :)

Richard the Adventurer said...

Nice :)

You made me smile... Naks!

Anonymous said...

waaaa bitin lol we missed you for a long time mrhubs.

lee

dave said...

I read your Love of Siam comments in McVie's blog. Enjoy these files. (Grab them asap since mawawala.)

Love of Siam, Mario and Pitch pictures:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/nu9lkm

Love of Siam Soundtrack:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/req2fh

Cyndy said...

I sooo love the transfer of body heat via the vacated seat...and I'm so loving your blogs Misterhubs- Cyndy

MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

teka muna ha, "when the gun was fired," ikaw ang target?

chos!

Misterhubs said...

Thanks for the feedback guys! :-)

Dave, thanks for giving me new material to feed my onanistic habit. Hehe.

Brian said...

Funny shit!
Warm ass.
The best!

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

Talagang with matching flashbacks! WiNNAr!

Post a Comment