19 October 2016

The Swimming Incident In Highschool

Because I had taken swimming lessons that summer; because a classmate of mine informed our homeroom advisor that I had taken swimming lessons; because our homeroom advisor designated me as our class rep for the 400 meter freestyle swimming competition despite my protests, I found myself one cold morning standing at the edge of the pool with seven other swimmers from different sections as the entire high school population --- the jocks, the nerds, the queers --- loudly cheered us on.

“Swimmers, on your mark.” The crowd went berserk. A Mexican wave was brewing.

“Get set.” Too late to back out now.


Whereas the other swimmers executed elegant, swooping dives, I flung myself into the pool, hitting the water chest first, creating an obscene splash. The water was freezing, frostbitten. I scissor-kicked my feet and swam free-style. The race was on.

And then I bumped into a floating lane divider. I stopped, looked up, and saw that, despite my wild paddling, I moved no more than fifteen meters from the starting block while the others were nearing the fifty meter mark. Uh-oh.

I swam harder. However, I couldn’t swim in a straight line even if my life depended on it. I kept zigzagging inside my lane and hitting the floating dividers. When I reached the twenty meter mark in my crisscrossing fashion, everyone was already sprinting to the end. At that point, I began regretting my very existence.

Five minutes after the race had started, the swimmer in lane four (Chinito with hairy abs) touched the wall first. Following him were the swimmers from lanes three, five, two, six and one. The swimmer in lane seven (that would be me), however, was still at the seventy meter mark. Just a hundred thirty to go. I felt like a tadpole swimming making its way across the English Channel against the current.

I so wanted to get out of that godforsaken pool, go home, and get into a fetal position. If it was possible, I’d even crawl back inside my mother’s womb, revert into an embryo, a zygote, a sperm cell. (But then I thought, I’ll never be conceived again because the other sperm cells would beat me to my mother’s ovum).

At the hundred meter mark, my legs were numb. I couldn’t swim anymore. I just grabbed the floating dividers and tugged on them to move forward. Then I heard it over the loudspeaker: “Will the swimmer in lane seven please hurry up? We have other races to finish.” Laughter from the gallery. I realized then and there that some people have absolutely no empathy for their less fortunate brethren.

A couple of eternities later, I finally emerged from the pool, grabbed my towel, and sprinted to the locker area. From that experience, I learned my three biggest lessons in life: (1) Thou shall never compete in a swimming competition ever again; (2) Thou shall shall never compete in a swimming competition ever again; and (3) Thou shall never compete in a swimming competition ever again.

(This entry is my participation in Blogie's meme game, Funniest Childhood Memory. Thadie, and Makoy, sorry guys, I'm tagging you to do this.)


gibbs cadiz said...

funny and poignant and beautifully written as always. hats off to you, mister H! :)


@ Gibbs: Thanks! I really appreciate that :-)

cant_u_read said...

i involuntarily stayed away from blogspot for a week and when i came back, i was delighted to see that misterhubs has posted two beautifully-written entries which made me smile, caused my eyes to twinkle and had me saying "Mistehubs, make me the mother the mother of your children!"

everyday i look forward to coming home to read your entries. i am a fan!

Jhed said...

OMG! I can't stop laughing. Sorry, I know it's a very embarrasing experience, but I really can't stop giggling.

If I were in your position, I would've never emerged from that pool. LOL.

Carlo said...

this blog has become my daily source of inspiration and guffaws. my day won't be complete without visiting this one.

looking forward to seeing the face that's covered with those two wonderfully-talented hands.

PS. and i can't wait to see how your kids with cant_u_read will turn out to be. whiz kids, i guess?


@ cant_u_read: Thanks! I'll send my sperm cells to your address. Hehe.
@ jhed: glad to make you giggle.
@ carlo: Thanks, carlo. You make me blush. Make me blush more. Hihi. :-)

Q The Conqueror said...

Think about the better things in life! Like perving chinito with hairy abs in tight speedo inside the shower room. hehehehe.

Anonymous said...

from your past posts, i know you like him very much. enjoy.


Phoenix said...

Mister H, I feel that I am next in line to do a "tadpole swimming against the current"- next semester's culminating activity in Swimming are those events. I'm no Ian Thorpe!

I'll have to dig up the archives in my brain for my own funny memories.. hmmm

JOSH said...

i enjoy ur posts, beginnig frm ur comfort room adventures :)

JOSH said...

BTW mr. hubs, mind if i link u in my blog? tnx gazillion ! :)

Chris Cafuir said...

i was entertained as usual. first day of the workweek for us, so my day is kinda slow, thanks for making me perk up a little.

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

the way you write? poignant, superb, exciting! im an instant fan. =)

blog on. =)

(and that post was funny. pls dont hate me when i say that im a swimmer too.)

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

This is indeed hilarious!

PS I hope you don't mind if I link you as well. Your posts are extremely well-written. :-)


@ phoenix: can't wait to read it.
@ Josh: By all means, link me up. I'm linking you up as well. :-)
@ Chris Caifur: Gracias.
@ Ruff nurse-du-jour: Thanks. Swim on!
@ Marcus: Thanks! Sure, link me up. I'll do the same :-)

Beejing said...

Misterhubs! you rock!

Blogie said...

whoa misterhubs... that sure was embarrassing. we had someone like that back in my old swim team too, and the other swimmers laughed at him too.. but i felt bad for him. well, you seem to have turned out ok, so i guess no worries. :)


@ Blogie: Thank goodness my emotional scars from that incident have healed. Hehe. :-)

:-p said...

you really are a great writer!
simula ngaun fan mo na ko,,,hindi ako mahilig mag blog, pero i love reading other people's blog.

Anino said...


efrenefren said...

i thought you were perfect until i read this post. it's good to know that misterhubs is as flawed as everyone else. :D

Anonymous said...

Hi misterhubs! good to find out (by chance) that you're back blogging. I used to blog also (conventional wisdom, remember? hehe). We met maybe twice...chocolate buffet at the Pen...and karaoke in my place. =)

Misterhubs said...

Hey you. Of course I remember! Not really blogging again. Just re-posting old blog posts, as per BF's request.

Anonymous said...

Fake leg cramps! My lame yet effective excuse to everything ;)

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