23 May 2007

Misterhubs Does Number Two

I was in my office working on a draft complaint when I felt it: a rumbling sensation in my bowels which grew in ferocity by the second. This doesn’t often occur to me when I’m at the office because I thoroughly cleanse my colon every morning before leaving the house, precisely to avoid situations like this. But it happened and there was no mistaking what’s about to happen.

My first impulse was to go to home, which, by foot, would only take me ten minutes to reach. But the insistent, heavy feeling I was getting called for a more immediate action. I didn’t have the luxury of ten minutes, but the destitution of two. So I grabbed a roll of tissue paper and rubbing alcohol, got out of the office, and looked for a restroom inside our office building, which (1) must not be in the same floor as my office; (2) must be empty; and (3) must be clean.

That brought me to the restroom at the 19th floor, which has two cubicles. The first cubicle I entered had a door that wouldn’t lock. So I tried the other one, which was worse because, although the door could be locked, there was a two inch vertical gap between the door and the partition ---- just enough for a passing voyeur to satisfy his fecophiliac fetish. So I went back to cubicle one.

I heaved a huge sigh of relief when I saw a clean toilet bowl in front of me and thanked God that my hearing this morning at the National Labor Relations Commission was postponed. See, restrooms in most government buildings are hellishly filthy and that’s putting it mildly. I don’t even dare inhale the warm and musky air wafting inside such places for fear of contracting some incurable disease. Thus, whenever I’m in the restroom of a government office, I hold my breath for twenty seconds, pee and flee.

I inspected the bowl closely and saw that it was indeed devoid of leftovers. But having religiously watched The Oprah Winfrey Show, I knew that even the most spotless surface can contain an ocean-full of fecal flora. So I blessed the innocent-looking toilet rim with Holy Isopropyl alcohol --- once, twice, thrice, until the whole bottle was empty --- to exorcise it of all disease-carrying demons with such exotic names as R. Bromii, Peptococcus and Eubacterium-Z.

I pulled my pants and white briefs down, awkwardly, like I’m stripping for a group of elderly perverts, and squatted. At first, I tried just hovering above the rim, not actually touching it. But this no-contact method felt awkward and strenuous even for a yoga practitioner like me. So, after a moment’s hesitation, I sat down and felt the surgically-cold ceramic against my flesh. The chills that ran up my spine had enough energy to power a light-bulb.

I was about to release the captives from prison when I heard a man’s foot-steps, the opening of a zipper, and shushing of piss. Damn. Since I didn’t want the mysterious peeing guy, or anyone else for that matter, to be around when I make a deposit, I delayed the inevitable, much to the chagrin of my impatient prisoners.

I don’t know about you but for me, pooping in the presence of another is quite an intimate act. It’s almost at the same level as French-kissing or opening a joint account. Since I wasn’t in the mood to get intimate with mysterious peeing guy that day, I waited and waited and waited (Mr. Pee had to wash his hands, examine his blackheads, and comb his hair) until he was finally out of the loo.

After what felt like eons, I finally downloaded my files. I was aiming for a silent, Baby Suri-like delivery but a few gargling sounds came out. The neat thing was everything was over in eight seconds and there was no icky splatter.

With military precision, I unrolled the reel of tissue in my hand and began Operation Wipe Off. Some people are thrifty when it comes to tissue papers. They would only use X number of squares, just enough to prevent underwear stains. I’m not like that. I’m the Paris Hilton of tissue papers. I have no problem consuming one whole roll in one sitting if that’s what it takes to feel like a new person.

After I was done, I flushed the evidence of the crime three times, got dressed, and wiped off the cold, nervous sweat off my face. Before I left the cubicle, I made sure no one was outside because I didn’t want to be seen by anyone as The Guy Who Just Defecated.

Coast was clear. I got out of the cubicle, went to the sink, and washed my hands with soap and water while humming “Happy Birthday” in my head. (Experts recommend this practice to effectively kill the germs populating one’s hand.) I then dried both hands with tissue and resumed my interrupted day. Of course, later, at home, there was more thorough cleansing which had to be done.

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08 May 2007

Songs From Batibot


Between ages six to nine, a time of carefree bike rides, afternoon siestas and multiplication tables, I used to have a habit which I thought I could never break free from. No, it’s not masturbation or viewing porn… those habits would come a little later. I’m talking about watching the TV show, Batibot.

To those who are not familiar with Batibot, it is – was -- the Philippine counterpart of Sesame Street. Its human cast included the saintly Ate Sienna and the eternally optimistic Kuya Bodjie, who never ran out of lessons to teach or songs to sing, while its puppet cast featured a cranky monkey (Kiko Matsing); an adorable, clumsy and slightly effeminate turtle (Pong Pagong); and a bunch of loquacious hand-puppets (Manang Bola, Irma Daldal, Ningning, Gingging, Sitsiritsit, Alibangbang, etc.).

Sometimes, against the express orders of my yaya to sleep all afternoon (“or else, you won’t grow taller!”), I would sneak off to the family room, turn on the TV and watch Batibot. It didn’t matter if an episode was a replay, as the case often was. I’d still watch it over and over again, homeworks be damned, even if it meant corporal punishment from my Nazi nanny.

As a musical tribute to Batibot, I’ve posted the lyrics of my favorite songs from the show below. Sing along, if you know them:

1. Batibot Opening

Pagmulat ng mata
Langit nakatawa
Sa Batibot
Sa Batibot

Tayo nang magpunta
Tuklasin sa Batibot
Ang tuwa, ang saya

Doon sa Batibot
Tayo na, tayo na
Mga bata sa Batibot
Maliksi, Masigla (2x)

Dali, sundan natin
Ang ngiti ng araw
Doon sa Batibot (2x)

Tayo nang magpunta
Tuklasin sa Batibot
Ang tuwa, ang saya

Doon sa Batibot
Tayo na, tayo na
Mga bata sa Batibot
Maliksi, Masigla (2x)

2. Tinapang Bangus
Tinapang bangus, tinapang bangus,

Masarap at masustansiya
Tinapang bangus, tinapang bangus
Masarap ang tinapang bangus
La la la la la la la, la la la la la la (2x)

3. Batis

Batis, batis, malinaw na tubig
Batis, batis, malinaw na tubig
Do-do-do-di-do-do

4. Gulay

Pa-pa-pa-paborito ko (3x)
Ang gulay yay-yay-yay
Bagong aning petchay
(Petchay! Pechay!)
At saka mustasa
(Mustasa! Mustasa!)
Dahon ng malunggay
(Malunggay! Malunggay!)
Pa-pa-pa-paborito ko (3x)
Ang gulay yay-yay-yay

5. Alin ang Naiba?
Alin? Alin?

Alin ang naiba?
Isipin kung alin ang naiba?
Isiping mabuti
Isipin kung alin
Isipin kung alin ang naiba?

6. Pag-gising sa Umaga

Pag-gising sa umaga
Kami'y naghihilamos
Tignan n'yo kung paano
Isa-dalawa-tatlo (2x)
Kami'y naghihilamos

Pag-gising sa umaga
Kami'y nagsi-sepilyo
Tignan n'yo kung paano
Isa-dalawa-tatlo (2x)
Kami'y nagsi-sepilyo.

Pag-gising sa umaga
Kami'y nagsusuklay
Tignan n'yo kung paano
Isa-dalawa-tatlo (2x)
Kami'y nagsusuklay.

Pag-gising sa umaga (2x)
Ugaliin, araw-araw (2x)
Maghilamos
Magsepilyo
Magsuklay!

(Thanks to Anonymous for the correction)

7. Kung Hindi Pwede

Kung hindi pwede minsan, subukan
Kung ang kasunod ay di pa rin, ulitin

Ganyan lang, ganyan lang
Di dapat magmukmok
Harapin ang pagsubok, ngayon.

Lahat ay kayang gawin
Kung sisikapin
Kung wala pa ring mangyari
subukan lang kung pwede.

Ganyan lang, ganyan lang
di dapat iyakan
Harapin ang pagsubok
Kayang-kaya mo 'yan.

8. Kandirit

Sabay-sabay tayong
Kumandikandirit
Kumandikandirit
Kumandikandirit (2x)
Sabay-sabay tayong
Kumandikandirit
Palakasin paa't binting
Maliliit

9. Bangkang Papel

Bangkang papellllll
Bangkang papellllll
Kay tulin ng
Bangkang papellllll
May malaki, mas malaki
May maliit na bangkang papel
la la la la..

10. Isda
Isda-da-da Isda (3x)
Isda Isda Isda
Ang Balat mo'y puro kaliskis (kaliskis)
Madulas pa ang palikpik
Lumulundag, sumisisid
O kay bilis mo sa tubig

11. Balot Penoy
Balot...penoy...baluuut...
bili na kayo ng itlog na balot,
sapagkat itong balot,
ay mainam na gamot,
sa mga taong laging nanlalambot.

Balot...penoy...baluuut...
bili na kayo ng itlog na balot,
sapagkat itong balot,
ay mainam na gamot,
at mabisang pampalakas ng tuhod.

[Check out my new blog, Exhibit I]

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